the first step is admitting you have a problem.

I am ready to admit it. I have an addiction that I think I need help for. I'm not sure if this particular addiction has a name, but it involves the obsessive watching of television shows that are not only morally corrupt, but are created for people far younger than I am. My number one dealer for this illicit substance is the CW for providing me with the glorious drugs of Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill and 90210. However, when I can't get a fix from the CW, MTV is there for me, hooking me up with the equally addicting Hills and Real World/Road Rules Challenge.
Yep it's true, I'm a junkie. I can't get off the smack. It is affecting my ability to get things done around the house, spend quality time with my wonderful husband, and generally clouding my ideas about what is and isn't appropriate activity for teenagers.
I will admit that Tivo has made this addiction slightly less crippling, but I think we can all agree it is still a huge problem.
I think I may need an intervention, so if someone could help me with that it would be great.
(Just not Mondays between 7 and 9:30pm or Tuesdays between 7-8pm or Wednesdays between 9-10pm. Other than that I'm pretty much open).

Finally some answers...kind of

So several weeks ago we had a consultation with a high risk pregnancy specialist here in town who will be my doctor for all future pregnancies. She is very nice and was very patient with all of our questions. We spent quite a bit of time with her and it is her opinion based on tests run on me and the baby that the problem was my placenta. She thinks. And why isn't she sure? Because the hospital accidently threw away the placenta so she couldn't examine it. Argh! But, she felt pretty confident that based on the development of the baby and my bloodwork the placenta was the culprit. She wanted to do some special blood tests that would be sent to a specialist at the University of Tennessee (they don't do this specific blood test in Iowa). These tests would determine if the problem was with an abnormality in the way that my blood clots. If this is the case, then that would cause a shortage in the blood supply to the placenta, hence abnormal placenta development. So, today she called with the results of the blood test indicate that my blood (more specifically my phospholipids) is borderline abnormal in the way that it clots. This means that it confirms what the doctor originally thought. The good news is that with treatment (twice daily injections of blood thinners throughout the course of all future pregnancies) I can deliver healthy babies. The bad news is that because the results indicated that I am only borderline abnormal, it could still be something else. The doctor said that sometimes the levels fluctuate so our course of action will be that as soon as I think I am pregnant again, I will have this blood test again (it's cheap to have blood sent to Tennessee). If the results are still abnormal (even if it is still borderline) I will start on the daily injections (which really aren't cheap). If the blood test comes back normal, then they will assume it was something else that made me lose the baby.

I'm not sure how I feel about all of this because it is still pretty unclear. (I'm sorry if this post is confusing, you can tell I have no knowledge of medical things).

Violence is not the answer...

Today I had my postpartum appointment with by OB/Gyn doctor. When I went up to the receptionist to check in she said (in her super-perky kindergarten teacher voice) "Oh, you didn't bring the baby. We hate it when new mommies come in for their postpartum check-up and don't bring their babies." I wanted to punch her.

p.s. I didn't punch her, in fact I kind of felt bad for her because she looked like she wanted to cry when I told her why I didn't bring in my baby.

p.p.s there were a lot of pregnant women and women with tiny babies in the waiting room. I kind of wanted to punch them. I didn't punch them. I thanked God for blessing them and prayed for them to have healthy babies. I still wanted to punch them.

Betty Freakin' Crocker

Today I made my Mom proud. I spent 3 hours in the kitchen making 3 kinds of soups and 2 casseroles to put in the freezer for easy meals. This took a major trip to the grocery store; lots of chopping, sauteing, browning, and simmering; and resulted in an obscene amount of dirty dishes. About halfway into this ordeal I was cursing myself for thinking this was a good idea. However, as I sit here now with a clean kitchen, a house that smells like the set of the food network, and enough in my freezer for 8 meals, I feel pretty fabulously domestic!

Much better...

I am feeling much better than I was on Friday morning thanks to a quick visit to Mike's parents house. They live on a farm in southeast Iowa and it is always so relaxing to go there. On Saturday Mike's dad cooked Maidrites, sweet corn and then picked some tomatoes out of their garden. It was such a good Iowa summer lunch. Then on Saturday night Mike's best friend from high school Pat and his wife Liz came over for dinner. They are very good friends to us and we are really lucky to have them in our lives.

We also got to spend some time riding around in Mike's 1955 Chevy that he rebuilt while he was in high school. We don't have the garage space for it in Des Moines so it stays at his parents, but it is always fun to take it out for a drive.

Tough Week

I am having a bad week. One of those weeks where I am seeing things in myself that I am not particularly proud of. For instance, my job is to do family therapy with kids who are in the juvenile court system and their families. Usually, I really enjoy my job and get great satisfaction out of helping these families. This week? Not so much. I patience is shorter than normal and I have had to resist blurting out (several times I might add) "Ooh...your kid won't do their chores, big damn deal!" I think this lack of patience may have something to do with the fact that I have managed to see every pregnant woman in the city of Des Moines in the past week. I swear, it's like they are falling from the sky. And when I see them, I sometimes think not very nice thoughts. I won't go into detail here but you can imagine. And everytime I see one of these blessed women I think about how I should still be pregnant and all that I have lost and the great injustice of it all. I know on a philosophical level that God has a plan for us and we will make it through, but I'm having a hard time accepting that this week. I really just want to stomp my foot, lay my head down and complain about how unfair things are. It makes me think of a saying that someone shared with us in the last month by Mother Theresa. She said, "I know God will not give me more than I can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." Good one huh? Okay enough complaining, thanks for listening. Thank goodness it is Friday!

Favorite thing!

Mike's two wonderful sisters gave me this beautiful bracelet with William's initials engraved on it. I can't tell you the comfort it brings me to have this little reminder with me all day, everyday. On a more superficial note, I have never understood the allure of Tiffany jewelry, but when Melissa handed me that little blue box I was abnormally excited. And, truth be told, I love putting the bracelet in its little blue pouch each night before bed. That's not weird right?