The night that changed my life...

Okay so Gymnastics Superstars. It was awesome, life changing really. I was up close to Shawn, Nastia, and most importantly all of the men from the team, including Blaine Wilson. Those men look small and funny in their unitards on TV, but in real life and wearing nothing but cargo shorts and rippling muscles, doing all of their tricks...life changing (or at least drool inspiring.) The men did all of their routines together, which was cool because at one point there were 4 of them on one pommel horse. It was amazing. The girls did their routines individually and when Nastia was on the bars she was literally like 10 feet away from where my Grandma and I sat. It was really cool. Now for the bad news, my camera battery died about 20 minutes into the show and cameras were allowed so I could have gotten some great pictures. I only got two and the one of Shawn on the beam wasn't very good because the beam was the farthest from our seats.
It was awesome and I had a great time with my grandma, although we were both complaining about the band (they were called KSM) that played in between routines. It was composed of 5 girls under the age of 17 who all thought they were Avril Lavigne. It was absolutely horrific (my Grandma complained that the bass and strobe lights were giving her heart palpitations)! If any of you with young daughters get wind of this band I would recommend banning them from your home. It was really that bad.

update coming...

I know I have been a negligent blogger lately, but I promise I will get an update out in the next day or so to let you all know what we have been up to. I finally have new camera batteries too so I will post pictures. Talk to you soon...

cold and cozy night

We love using our fireplace in our new house. It appears that Harvey is a fan too.

p.s. tonight I am going to the Gymnastics Superstars tour with my Grandma. We have floor seats and I am so excited to see Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin that I couldn't sleep last night. I'm pretty sure they won't allow cameras, but I'll try to sneak one in so that I can blog.

Go Hawkeyes!

Yesterday we went to the Iowa vs. Penn St. game where the Hawkeyes beat the undefeated, 3rd ranked team in the country. It was freezing cold (high was 33) and there were snow flurries for most of the day, but thanks to a fantastic heater and the power of a few beers we stayed warm and toasty during the tailgate and only froze during the game. We had a great time.

Here are some pictures.

The final score, Go Hawks!

The field after the game when all of the fans rushed down.
Made me kind of clausterphobic to look at, I stayed in the stands.

Melissa and I trying to stay warm during the game.

Nikki, Mike, Me, Herky the Hawkeye, Melissa and Trent

Melissa, Nikki and I

maybe you should all get my autograph now...

So a few weeks ago I let Mike talk me into getting the game Rock Band. Now I'm not sure how many of you know about this game, but basically it is like Karoke, except for there are drums, a lead guitar, a bass guitar and vocals. You play along to a variety of songs and can form your own band and the better you play the more fans you get and then the more gigs (that's right, I said gigs, some people were just born to rock) you can play. I am pretty sure that this game was designed and marketed to people much younger than Mike and I but we are sort of addicted. We have come to learn our strengths as musicians (I am a phenomenal bass guitarist and couldn't play the drums to save my life and Mike is pretty much good at all of them). Sometimes I worry that our neighbors will see into our windows at night and see us jamming out on fake guitars and dancing around and have us committed. But, it is a really great distraction from real life and it is kind of fun to unleash your inner rock star.
ROCK ON!

rocking chair

We got a call last week that the rocking chair we ordered from Babies R Us in early July was in, ouch! Mike went and picked it up tonight and we are going to put it up in the baby's room. I am supposed to be rocking a baby in that chair and not sitting in it with empty arms. I know God will bless me someday with a baby to rock in this chair, but right now it just seems to be a cruel piece of furniture that is mocking me. Is that a bit dramatic?
p.s. Thanks to the Rozeboom/Criddle clan for letting me crash your party this weekend. It was great to see all of you and to get to love on Lulu for a few minutes!

Thoughts and my new favorite blog

I have been struggling with knowing what to put on this blog lately because I feel like it should be funny and witty anecdotes about my life, but the truth is William still occupies my thoughts most of the time. It is a very weird phenomenon because my life from the outside looks much like it did before I was pregnant, in fact if you didn't know me before you probably wouldn't even know I was pregnant. But on the inside I am profoundly changed and it is very hard to reconcile these two things. I don't want to stop thinking about him and I don't want people to stop asking because then he will be gone, but at the same time it is hard to bring up your recently still born baby in daily conversations.

So, although this is not a funny and witty anecdote, it is where I am now and that's the best I can do.

On another note...
I was blog-surfing last night and found a real gem. It is written by a woman that has been through a very similar situation as I have with losing a baby boy at 30 weeks. I spent several hours reading it from the beginning and it was a very surreal experience. She describes so many thoughts, feelings and experiences that I have had. I can't even tell you how comforting it was to read her words because she has the guts to say so many of the things I haven't been able write. She is now pregnant with her third child (first was an early miscarriage, second was Henry born still earlier this year). She is understandably very nervous and would probably appreciate any prayers sent her way.
Check it out if you have time.
http://rooneyslittlemusings.blogspot.com/

A much needed vacation

Mike and I got home last night after a lovely trip to Estes Park, CO. It was a great getaway for us to spend time together as we passed the due date of the baby. We got to see my parents who had been there the previous week and stayed over two days to hang out with us. We also hiked, read, played lots of Skipbo, fished and visited the New Belgium Brewery in Fort Collins. It was a heavenly vacation. Attached are some pictures for your viewing pleasure.

My Mom and Dad, love them!

I'm not the best photographer, but the changing colors of the trees were beautiful.

A place called the Alluvial Fan in Rocky Mountain National Park, very cool.

They make yummy beer!

After a 6+ mile hike to the Bridal Veil Falls. We aren't in the best of shape so there was a lot of huffing and puffing, but we made it and the waterfall was totally worth it.

p.s. I was amazed how much I missed reading all of your blogs during the 8 days I was gone. Without a computer I had no way of knowing how Katie's move was going, if Blogyn had sold the beloved jeep, and whether or not Lulu had discovered the cure for cancer (she's very smart you know). I also had several blogworthy moments where I thought, "This would make the perfect entry." One of these moments was when I saw two roadside stands in Colorado. One said "Donkeys for Sale" and right next to that was "Knives, Swords and other Weapons sold here." I thought 'Great, one stop shopping for souvenirs for the nieces and nephew.' I was hesitant about joining the bloggin world at first, but I have really come to value this little community. It's good to be back!

the first step is admitting you have a problem.

I am ready to admit it. I have an addiction that I think I need help for. I'm not sure if this particular addiction has a name, but it involves the obsessive watching of television shows that are not only morally corrupt, but are created for people far younger than I am. My number one dealer for this illicit substance is the CW for providing me with the glorious drugs of Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill and 90210. However, when I can't get a fix from the CW, MTV is there for me, hooking me up with the equally addicting Hills and Real World/Road Rules Challenge.
Yep it's true, I'm a junkie. I can't get off the smack. It is affecting my ability to get things done around the house, spend quality time with my wonderful husband, and generally clouding my ideas about what is and isn't appropriate activity for teenagers.
I will admit that Tivo has made this addiction slightly less crippling, but I think we can all agree it is still a huge problem.
I think I may need an intervention, so if someone could help me with that it would be great.
(Just not Mondays between 7 and 9:30pm or Tuesdays between 7-8pm or Wednesdays between 9-10pm. Other than that I'm pretty much open).

Finally some answers...kind of

So several weeks ago we had a consultation with a high risk pregnancy specialist here in town who will be my doctor for all future pregnancies. She is very nice and was very patient with all of our questions. We spent quite a bit of time with her and it is her opinion based on tests run on me and the baby that the problem was my placenta. She thinks. And why isn't she sure? Because the hospital accidently threw away the placenta so she couldn't examine it. Argh! But, she felt pretty confident that based on the development of the baby and my bloodwork the placenta was the culprit. She wanted to do some special blood tests that would be sent to a specialist at the University of Tennessee (they don't do this specific blood test in Iowa). These tests would determine if the problem was with an abnormality in the way that my blood clots. If this is the case, then that would cause a shortage in the blood supply to the placenta, hence abnormal placenta development. So, today she called with the results of the blood test indicate that my blood (more specifically my phospholipids) is borderline abnormal in the way that it clots. This means that it confirms what the doctor originally thought. The good news is that with treatment (twice daily injections of blood thinners throughout the course of all future pregnancies) I can deliver healthy babies. The bad news is that because the results indicated that I am only borderline abnormal, it could still be something else. The doctor said that sometimes the levels fluctuate so our course of action will be that as soon as I think I am pregnant again, I will have this blood test again (it's cheap to have blood sent to Tennessee). If the results are still abnormal (even if it is still borderline) I will start on the daily injections (which really aren't cheap). If the blood test comes back normal, then they will assume it was something else that made me lose the baby.

I'm not sure how I feel about all of this because it is still pretty unclear. (I'm sorry if this post is confusing, you can tell I have no knowledge of medical things).

Violence is not the answer...

Today I had my postpartum appointment with by OB/Gyn doctor. When I went up to the receptionist to check in she said (in her super-perky kindergarten teacher voice) "Oh, you didn't bring the baby. We hate it when new mommies come in for their postpartum check-up and don't bring their babies." I wanted to punch her.

p.s. I didn't punch her, in fact I kind of felt bad for her because she looked like she wanted to cry when I told her why I didn't bring in my baby.

p.p.s there were a lot of pregnant women and women with tiny babies in the waiting room. I kind of wanted to punch them. I didn't punch them. I thanked God for blessing them and prayed for them to have healthy babies. I still wanted to punch them.

Betty Freakin' Crocker

Today I made my Mom proud. I spent 3 hours in the kitchen making 3 kinds of soups and 2 casseroles to put in the freezer for easy meals. This took a major trip to the grocery store; lots of chopping, sauteing, browning, and simmering; and resulted in an obscene amount of dirty dishes. About halfway into this ordeal I was cursing myself for thinking this was a good idea. However, as I sit here now with a clean kitchen, a house that smells like the set of the food network, and enough in my freezer for 8 meals, I feel pretty fabulously domestic!

Much better...

I am feeling much better than I was on Friday morning thanks to a quick visit to Mike's parents house. They live on a farm in southeast Iowa and it is always so relaxing to go there. On Saturday Mike's dad cooked Maidrites, sweet corn and then picked some tomatoes out of their garden. It was such a good Iowa summer lunch. Then on Saturday night Mike's best friend from high school Pat and his wife Liz came over for dinner. They are very good friends to us and we are really lucky to have them in our lives.

We also got to spend some time riding around in Mike's 1955 Chevy that he rebuilt while he was in high school. We don't have the garage space for it in Des Moines so it stays at his parents, but it is always fun to take it out for a drive.

Tough Week

I am having a bad week. One of those weeks where I am seeing things in myself that I am not particularly proud of. For instance, my job is to do family therapy with kids who are in the juvenile court system and their families. Usually, I really enjoy my job and get great satisfaction out of helping these families. This week? Not so much. I patience is shorter than normal and I have had to resist blurting out (several times I might add) "Ooh...your kid won't do their chores, big damn deal!" I think this lack of patience may have something to do with the fact that I have managed to see every pregnant woman in the city of Des Moines in the past week. I swear, it's like they are falling from the sky. And when I see them, I sometimes think not very nice thoughts. I won't go into detail here but you can imagine. And everytime I see one of these blessed women I think about how I should still be pregnant and all that I have lost and the great injustice of it all. I know on a philosophical level that God has a plan for us and we will make it through, but I'm having a hard time accepting that this week. I really just want to stomp my foot, lay my head down and complain about how unfair things are. It makes me think of a saying that someone shared with us in the last month by Mother Theresa. She said, "I know God will not give me more than I can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." Good one huh? Okay enough complaining, thanks for listening. Thank goodness it is Friday!

Favorite thing!

Mike's two wonderful sisters gave me this beautiful bracelet with William's initials engraved on it. I can't tell you the comfort it brings me to have this little reminder with me all day, everyday. On a more superficial note, I have never understood the allure of Tiffany jewelry, but when Melissa handed me that little blue box I was abnormally excited. And, truth be told, I love putting the bracelet in its little blue pouch each night before bed. That's not weird right?

Miss Stephanie

This is a picture of my darling niece Stephanie (she is Mike's sister Melissa's daughter). They live here in Des Moines so we are lucky to get to spend lots of time with them. She is 5 so she is the right age to have been really excited about the baby. The whole time I was pregnant she liked to talk to my tummy and help think of names. When we lost the baby her Mom and Grandma were worried about what she would say to me, but I made sure she knew she could ask me anything. She came over the day we got home from the hospital and walked right up to me and looked from my face to my tummy about 5 times. Then she said "Aunt Maggie, do you miss your baby?" And I said "Yeah I do." She replied, "Me too." Then she said in a very life-is-so-not-fair tone of voice "I didn't even get to play with him." It really made me smile.

Sticking a toe back into the blogging pool...

Lots has happened since my last post and this is about the 47th time I have sat down in front of my computer to write an update. I can't seem to come up with the right words to tell this story, but I think that the blogging world might be a nice and supportive community in which to vent. So I am going to start small and just give the basics, at least it's a start, right?

On July 16th we learned that our precious baby had passed away. I had been feeling less and less movement in the preceding days and so my doctor wanted me to come into the hospital just to get checked. At that time we learned that the baby had died. I ended up delivering a beautiful baby boy at 11:08pm on July 17th. We named him William Gordon McGill. He weighed 1 pound 11 ounces. We were able to spend some time with him and both Mike and my parents we able to see him as well. Our priest was able to come to the hospital shortly after delivery and baptize him.
I can honestly say that this has been the most difficult ordeal that I have ever had to endure and it has been a test of my faith. However, never in my life have I felt more sure about my decision to make Mike my partner in life. And, never have I been so grateful to the wonderful family members and friends that have helped us to make it through this.

That about does it for today's entry. I don't know if anybody but Karoline will read this, but thanks for listening.

Little Critter

I had an appointment with the Dr. today and the outcome worried me a little bit. I figured maybe the blog would be a good place to share my concerns. The good news is that Critter's heartbeat is nice and strong and when we had the last ultrasound (at 20 weeks) everything looked really good and normal. The scary part is that Critter isn't as big as he/she should be right now (at 28 weeks) and I have lost weight in the last 4 weeks. Overall I still haven't gained any weight since finding out I am pregnant, I originally lost 14 pounds in the first few months and have only gained 11 of them back. At my last appointment I asked the Dr. if I would get another ultrasound and she said, only if there is a problem. And today the Dr. ordered another ultrasound. He wasn't worried enough to do it today, instead we made an appointment to have it done next Friday. Now wasn't that considerate of him...I get to go through the next week wondering why little Critter isn't growing big and strong like he/she is supposed to. And, to make it even more tolerable the place where I am having the ultrasound done has a policy that they don't report the results immediately to the parents, instead they send the report over to the Dr.'s office and then I get to wait another week while they interpret the findings, whatever that means. AND, during this time apparently all of the pregnancy rules still apply so it's not like I can have a glass of wine to take the edge off.
So, while it is a possiblity that the little nugget is just petite, I am hesitant to go with that theory as it originates from rather hearty stock (aka Mommy and Daddy). However, this would fit into my plan of fulfilling my dreams to produce an olympic gymnast (I was never any good at gymnastics, but I always loved it so I have secretly hoped that one day I will have a daughter that is Mary Lou Retton Jr.). Or, perhaps the due date is off, however at all of my previous appointments the baby has measured according to said due date so now it seems that growth has slowed down. The Dr. said that this is relatively normal (relative to what?) and that all babies grow at different rates, but I still keep thinking about the fact that they don't do more ultrasounds unless they are concerned about something.
I think it is entirely possible that there is nothing to worry about and that I am being overly dramatic or something, but still...not the report I was hoping for.

Updates...

I have been receiving a lot of grief lately about not updating the blog so here is an update...

This is a picture of our new house. We moved in on April 4th and while I wish I could say that we have been spending the last several months making it our own, that would be a big fat lie. We have been traveling almost every weekend to visit friends and family. I have been waiting for the nesting thing that is supposed to accompany pregnancy to kick in, but so far nada. This weekend will be our first weekend home in a month and a half so we are finally going to paint the baby's room. I'll post pictures when it is done. We did buy bedding for the crib, you can see it at this link: http://www.wendybellissimo.com/products/product_detail.php?id=62



Last weekend we got to go visit Critter's future best friend/wife, little Lulu Rozeboom. And can I just say that she is absolutely gorgeous, but what was even more special to me was to watch Karoline with her. She is such a natural as a mom and it just blows me away because I can recall back to our days in college when she would look at me like I was on crack as I headed out of our dorm room to go babysit, voluntarily! I knew she had that maternal gene in there somewhere because of how good she was to me on those nights where happy hour was a little too happy, but it is so neat to watch her with Lulu. Holding Lulu made me really excited (and a tad bit impatient) for Critter to come, but Mike says we are going for well-done and I'm still in the medium-rare category.

Speaking of Critter, the pregnancy thing is going pretty well. It has been relatively uneventful, which in the scheme of things is a huge blessing. I have learned that Critter really likes it when his/her Daddy sings as evidenced by massive pummeling of Mommy's internal organs. We are trying to decide if we want to get one of those 4-d ultrasounds done. Our doctor's office doesn't do them unless there is a problem, but I have heard that you can go to a radiology place and have them done. What do you more experienced people think?

Well that is all for now, more later...

New York state of mind...

Mike and I took a vacation last week to New York city. It was my first time there and we had a great time. We stayed with our good friends Chris and Sarah. While we were there we saw a Broadway show (Spring Awakening--excellent!), a Mets game, a Yankees game, and did lots of sightseeing. I must say I was a little bit overwhelmed by some parts of the city, especially Times Square. But I loved the smaller neighborhoods like Greenwich Village, Chelsea, and Little Italy. I also really loved Central Park. Here are some pictures from our trip.

Chris, Mike and Sarah after the Mets game
Mike and I on a Circle Line boat cruise around Manhattan
We won free tickets to the David Letterman show

(Patrick Dempsey was one of the guests and most of the women in the audience were excited because of Grey's Anatomy but I was thinking about Can't Buy Me Love)
Central Park

Yankees game

On a much sadder note our friend Sarah learned on our last day in New York that her dad had been shot and killed on his farm in Centerville, IA. As you can imagine this has been incredibly difficult for Sarah and her family. Please say a prayer to help them through this time.

I've been tagged...

What was I doing 10 years ago?
Enjoying my junior year of high school and giving my parents gray hair.

5 things on today’s to do list:
1. Clean the bathrooms
2. Grocery shop
3. Mop the kitchen floor
4. Waste time browsing online for maternity clothes/baby stuff
5. Take Harvey for a walk

5 snacks I enjoy:
1. Dry Cheerios
2. Pretzels
3. Fruit
4. Twizzlers
5. Cheese and crackers

5 things I would do if I became a billionaire:
1. Start a college fund for Critter
2. Buy the ridiculously expensive round crib with star posts that I want for Critter
3. Pay off my mortgage
4. Give back
5. Give Mikey a lifelong membership to the Cheese of the Month Club (he's always wanted to belong, but it ain't cheap)

5 bad habits:
1. Cursing while vaccuuming (I really hate when the cord gets in the way)
2. Procrastinating
3. Reading blogs or people.com when I should be working
4. Forgetting to be grateful for all that I do have and instead focusing on the things that I don't have
5. Impatience

Pet Peeves:
People who get angry at airline employees (is it their fault that there is bad weather or a mechanical problem?), slow drivers, people who walk around in stores talking on one of those blue tooth ear piece cell phone things (sometimes I think they are talking to me and then I feel like an idiot when I realize they aren't)

5 places I’ve lived:
1. Newton, KS
2. Muskogee, OK
3. Tulsa, OK
4. Cedar Rapids, IA
5. Des Moines, IA

5 jobs I’ve had:
1. Gift wrapper
2. Nanny
3. Bank teller
4. Camp counselor at a horse camp
5. Family Therapist

My kids will never behave that way...right?

So I have been in Salt Lake City for a training since early Monday morning and I flew back this afternoon. On my flight from Denver to Des Moines I was seated behind a family of four. There was a work-out looking man (Dad), an irritated looking woman (Mom) with a lot of make-up and very youthful clothing (that is my polite way of saying she was dressed like an 18 year old Girls Gone Wild Wannabe), and two girls approximately 6 and 10. So there was a row of three seats in which the Dad sat on the aisle and the two girls sat in the other two seats and Mom (partied-too-hard-in-her-early-days Barbie) sat across the aisle from the rest of the family with headphones on looking annoyed. From the moment they got on the flight the two girls were fighting, hitting, yelling, whining, and generally annoying the majority of the plane's other occupants. This pretty much continued for the duration of the flight as Dad ineffectively tried to get them to stop and Mom offered the occasional "You are in so much trouble." As my co-worker and I observed this (she has no children yet) she leaned over to me and said 'Are you sure you're ready for that?" I replied with a phrase that has become a staple in my recent conversations: "My kids won't behave that way."
I say this phrase often as I sit at restaurants, shop at Target, and wander through the mall. I am beginning to wonder if this is a self-soothing mantra that all first-time pregnant people repeat to themselves...

Ready or not, here I come!

Per Karoline's multiple requests, I have arrived...