rocking chair

We got a call last week that the rocking chair we ordered from Babies R Us in early July was in, ouch! Mike went and picked it up tonight and we are going to put it up in the baby's room. I am supposed to be rocking a baby in that chair and not sitting in it with empty arms. I know God will bless me someday with a baby to rock in this chair, but right now it just seems to be a cruel piece of furniture that is mocking me. Is that a bit dramatic?
p.s. Thanks to the Rozeboom/Criddle clan for letting me crash your party this weekend. It was great to see all of you and to get to love on Lulu for a few minutes!

Thoughts and my new favorite blog

I have been struggling with knowing what to put on this blog lately because I feel like it should be funny and witty anecdotes about my life, but the truth is William still occupies my thoughts most of the time. It is a very weird phenomenon because my life from the outside looks much like it did before I was pregnant, in fact if you didn't know me before you probably wouldn't even know I was pregnant. But on the inside I am profoundly changed and it is very hard to reconcile these two things. I don't want to stop thinking about him and I don't want people to stop asking because then he will be gone, but at the same time it is hard to bring up your recently still born baby in daily conversations.

So, although this is not a funny and witty anecdote, it is where I am now and that's the best I can do.

On another note...
I was blog-surfing last night and found a real gem. It is written by a woman that has been through a very similar situation as I have with losing a baby boy at 30 weeks. I spent several hours reading it from the beginning and it was a very surreal experience. She describes so many thoughts, feelings and experiences that I have had. I can't even tell you how comforting it was to read her words because she has the guts to say so many of the things I haven't been able write. She is now pregnant with her third child (first was an early miscarriage, second was Henry born still earlier this year). She is understandably very nervous and would probably appreciate any prayers sent her way.
Check it out if you have time.
http://rooneyslittlemusings.blogspot.com/

A much needed vacation

Mike and I got home last night after a lovely trip to Estes Park, CO. It was a great getaway for us to spend time together as we passed the due date of the baby. We got to see my parents who had been there the previous week and stayed over two days to hang out with us. We also hiked, read, played lots of Skipbo, fished and visited the New Belgium Brewery in Fort Collins. It was a heavenly vacation. Attached are some pictures for your viewing pleasure.

My Mom and Dad, love them!

I'm not the best photographer, but the changing colors of the trees were beautiful.

A place called the Alluvial Fan in Rocky Mountain National Park, very cool.

They make yummy beer!

After a 6+ mile hike to the Bridal Veil Falls. We aren't in the best of shape so there was a lot of huffing and puffing, but we made it and the waterfall was totally worth it.

p.s. I was amazed how much I missed reading all of your blogs during the 8 days I was gone. Without a computer I had no way of knowing how Katie's move was going, if Blogyn had sold the beloved jeep, and whether or not Lulu had discovered the cure for cancer (she's very smart you know). I also had several blogworthy moments where I thought, "This would make the perfect entry." One of these moments was when I saw two roadside stands in Colorado. One said "Donkeys for Sale" and right next to that was "Knives, Swords and other Weapons sold here." I thought 'Great, one stop shopping for souvenirs for the nieces and nephew.' I was hesitant about joining the bloggin world at first, but I have really come to value this little community. It's good to be back!

the first step is admitting you have a problem.

I am ready to admit it. I have an addiction that I think I need help for. I'm not sure if this particular addiction has a name, but it involves the obsessive watching of television shows that are not only morally corrupt, but are created for people far younger than I am. My number one dealer for this illicit substance is the CW for providing me with the glorious drugs of Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill and 90210. However, when I can't get a fix from the CW, MTV is there for me, hooking me up with the equally addicting Hills and Real World/Road Rules Challenge.
Yep it's true, I'm a junkie. I can't get off the smack. It is affecting my ability to get things done around the house, spend quality time with my wonderful husband, and generally clouding my ideas about what is and isn't appropriate activity for teenagers.
I will admit that Tivo has made this addiction slightly less crippling, but I think we can all agree it is still a huge problem.
I think I may need an intervention, so if someone could help me with that it would be great.
(Just not Mondays between 7 and 9:30pm or Tuesdays between 7-8pm or Wednesdays between 9-10pm. Other than that I'm pretty much open).

Finally some answers...kind of

So several weeks ago we had a consultation with a high risk pregnancy specialist here in town who will be my doctor for all future pregnancies. She is very nice and was very patient with all of our questions. We spent quite a bit of time with her and it is her opinion based on tests run on me and the baby that the problem was my placenta. She thinks. And why isn't she sure? Because the hospital accidently threw away the placenta so she couldn't examine it. Argh! But, she felt pretty confident that based on the development of the baby and my bloodwork the placenta was the culprit. She wanted to do some special blood tests that would be sent to a specialist at the University of Tennessee (they don't do this specific blood test in Iowa). These tests would determine if the problem was with an abnormality in the way that my blood clots. If this is the case, then that would cause a shortage in the blood supply to the placenta, hence abnormal placenta development. So, today she called with the results of the blood test indicate that my blood (more specifically my phospholipids) is borderline abnormal in the way that it clots. This means that it confirms what the doctor originally thought. The good news is that with treatment (twice daily injections of blood thinners throughout the course of all future pregnancies) I can deliver healthy babies. The bad news is that because the results indicated that I am only borderline abnormal, it could still be something else. The doctor said that sometimes the levels fluctuate so our course of action will be that as soon as I think I am pregnant again, I will have this blood test again (it's cheap to have blood sent to Tennessee). If the results are still abnormal (even if it is still borderline) I will start on the daily injections (which really aren't cheap). If the blood test comes back normal, then they will assume it was something else that made me lose the baby.

I'm not sure how I feel about all of this because it is still pretty unclear. (I'm sorry if this post is confusing, you can tell I have no knowledge of medical things).

Violence is not the answer...

Today I had my postpartum appointment with by OB/Gyn doctor. When I went up to the receptionist to check in she said (in her super-perky kindergarten teacher voice) "Oh, you didn't bring the baby. We hate it when new mommies come in for their postpartum check-up and don't bring their babies." I wanted to punch her.

p.s. I didn't punch her, in fact I kind of felt bad for her because she looked like she wanted to cry when I told her why I didn't bring in my baby.

p.p.s there were a lot of pregnant women and women with tiny babies in the waiting room. I kind of wanted to punch them. I didn't punch them. I thanked God for blessing them and prayed for them to have healthy babies. I still wanted to punch them.

Betty Freakin' Crocker

Today I made my Mom proud. I spent 3 hours in the kitchen making 3 kinds of soups and 2 casseroles to put in the freezer for easy meals. This took a major trip to the grocery store; lots of chopping, sauteing, browning, and simmering; and resulted in an obscene amount of dirty dishes. About halfway into this ordeal I was cursing myself for thinking this was a good idea. However, as I sit here now with a clean kitchen, a house that smells like the set of the food network, and enough in my freezer for 8 meals, I feel pretty fabulously domestic!