Tough Week

I am having a bad week. One of those weeks where I am seeing things in myself that I am not particularly proud of. For instance, my job is to do family therapy with kids who are in the juvenile court system and their families. Usually, I really enjoy my job and get great satisfaction out of helping these families. This week? Not so much. I patience is shorter than normal and I have had to resist blurting out (several times I might add) "Ooh...your kid won't do their chores, big damn deal!" I think this lack of patience may have something to do with the fact that I have managed to see every pregnant woman in the city of Des Moines in the past week. I swear, it's like they are falling from the sky. And when I see them, I sometimes think not very nice thoughts. I won't go into detail here but you can imagine. And everytime I see one of these blessed women I think about how I should still be pregnant and all that I have lost and the great injustice of it all. I know on a philosophical level that God has a plan for us and we will make it through, but I'm having a hard time accepting that this week. I really just want to stomp my foot, lay my head down and complain about how unfair things are. It makes me think of a saying that someone shared with us in the last month by Mother Theresa. She said, "I know God will not give me more than I can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." Good one huh? Okay enough complaining, thanks for listening. Thank goodness it is Friday!

Favorite thing!

Mike's two wonderful sisters gave me this beautiful bracelet with William's initials engraved on it. I can't tell you the comfort it brings me to have this little reminder with me all day, everyday. On a more superficial note, I have never understood the allure of Tiffany jewelry, but when Melissa handed me that little blue box I was abnormally excited. And, truth be told, I love putting the bracelet in its little blue pouch each night before bed. That's not weird right?

Miss Stephanie

This is a picture of my darling niece Stephanie (she is Mike's sister Melissa's daughter). They live here in Des Moines so we are lucky to get to spend lots of time with them. She is 5 so she is the right age to have been really excited about the baby. The whole time I was pregnant she liked to talk to my tummy and help think of names. When we lost the baby her Mom and Grandma were worried about what she would say to me, but I made sure she knew she could ask me anything. She came over the day we got home from the hospital and walked right up to me and looked from my face to my tummy about 5 times. Then she said "Aunt Maggie, do you miss your baby?" And I said "Yeah I do." She replied, "Me too." Then she said in a very life-is-so-not-fair tone of voice "I didn't even get to play with him." It really made me smile.

Sticking a toe back into the blogging pool...

Lots has happened since my last post and this is about the 47th time I have sat down in front of my computer to write an update. I can't seem to come up with the right words to tell this story, but I think that the blogging world might be a nice and supportive community in which to vent. So I am going to start small and just give the basics, at least it's a start, right?

On July 16th we learned that our precious baby had passed away. I had been feeling less and less movement in the preceding days and so my doctor wanted me to come into the hospital just to get checked. At that time we learned that the baby had died. I ended up delivering a beautiful baby boy at 11:08pm on July 17th. We named him William Gordon McGill. He weighed 1 pound 11 ounces. We were able to spend some time with him and both Mike and my parents we able to see him as well. Our priest was able to come to the hospital shortly after delivery and baptize him.
I can honestly say that this has been the most difficult ordeal that I have ever had to endure and it has been a test of my faith. However, never in my life have I felt more sure about my decision to make Mike my partner in life. And, never have I been so grateful to the wonderful family members and friends that have helped us to make it through this.

That about does it for today's entry. I don't know if anybody but Karoline will read this, but thanks for listening.

Little Critter

I had an appointment with the Dr. today and the outcome worried me a little bit. I figured maybe the blog would be a good place to share my concerns. The good news is that Critter's heartbeat is nice and strong and when we had the last ultrasound (at 20 weeks) everything looked really good and normal. The scary part is that Critter isn't as big as he/she should be right now (at 28 weeks) and I have lost weight in the last 4 weeks. Overall I still haven't gained any weight since finding out I am pregnant, I originally lost 14 pounds in the first few months and have only gained 11 of them back. At my last appointment I asked the Dr. if I would get another ultrasound and she said, only if there is a problem. And today the Dr. ordered another ultrasound. He wasn't worried enough to do it today, instead we made an appointment to have it done next Friday. Now wasn't that considerate of him...I get to go through the next week wondering why little Critter isn't growing big and strong like he/she is supposed to. And, to make it even more tolerable the place where I am having the ultrasound done has a policy that they don't report the results immediately to the parents, instead they send the report over to the Dr.'s office and then I get to wait another week while they interpret the findings, whatever that means. AND, during this time apparently all of the pregnancy rules still apply so it's not like I can have a glass of wine to take the edge off.
So, while it is a possiblity that the little nugget is just petite, I am hesitant to go with that theory as it originates from rather hearty stock (aka Mommy and Daddy). However, this would fit into my plan of fulfilling my dreams to produce an olympic gymnast (I was never any good at gymnastics, but I always loved it so I have secretly hoped that one day I will have a daughter that is Mary Lou Retton Jr.). Or, perhaps the due date is off, however at all of my previous appointments the baby has measured according to said due date so now it seems that growth has slowed down. The Dr. said that this is relatively normal (relative to what?) and that all babies grow at different rates, but I still keep thinking about the fact that they don't do more ultrasounds unless they are concerned about something.
I think it is entirely possible that there is nothing to worry about and that I am being overly dramatic or something, but still...not the report I was hoping for.

Updates...

I have been receiving a lot of grief lately about not updating the blog so here is an update...

This is a picture of our new house. We moved in on April 4th and while I wish I could say that we have been spending the last several months making it our own, that would be a big fat lie. We have been traveling almost every weekend to visit friends and family. I have been waiting for the nesting thing that is supposed to accompany pregnancy to kick in, but so far nada. This weekend will be our first weekend home in a month and a half so we are finally going to paint the baby's room. I'll post pictures when it is done. We did buy bedding for the crib, you can see it at this link: http://www.wendybellissimo.com/products/product_detail.php?id=62



Last weekend we got to go visit Critter's future best friend/wife, little Lulu Rozeboom. And can I just say that she is absolutely gorgeous, but what was even more special to me was to watch Karoline with her. She is such a natural as a mom and it just blows me away because I can recall back to our days in college when she would look at me like I was on crack as I headed out of our dorm room to go babysit, voluntarily! I knew she had that maternal gene in there somewhere because of how good she was to me on those nights where happy hour was a little too happy, but it is so neat to watch her with Lulu. Holding Lulu made me really excited (and a tad bit impatient) for Critter to come, but Mike says we are going for well-done and I'm still in the medium-rare category.

Speaking of Critter, the pregnancy thing is going pretty well. It has been relatively uneventful, which in the scheme of things is a huge blessing. I have learned that Critter really likes it when his/her Daddy sings as evidenced by massive pummeling of Mommy's internal organs. We are trying to decide if we want to get one of those 4-d ultrasounds done. Our doctor's office doesn't do them unless there is a problem, but I have heard that you can go to a radiology place and have them done. What do you more experienced people think?

Well that is all for now, more later...

New York state of mind...

Mike and I took a vacation last week to New York city. It was my first time there and we had a great time. We stayed with our good friends Chris and Sarah. While we were there we saw a Broadway show (Spring Awakening--excellent!), a Mets game, a Yankees game, and did lots of sightseeing. I must say I was a little bit overwhelmed by some parts of the city, especially Times Square. But I loved the smaller neighborhoods like Greenwich Village, Chelsea, and Little Italy. I also really loved Central Park. Here are some pictures from our trip.

Chris, Mike and Sarah after the Mets game
Mike and I on a Circle Line boat cruise around Manhattan
We won free tickets to the David Letterman show

(Patrick Dempsey was one of the guests and most of the women in the audience were excited because of Grey's Anatomy but I was thinking about Can't Buy Me Love)
Central Park

Yankees game

On a much sadder note our friend Sarah learned on our last day in New York that her dad had been shot and killed on his farm in Centerville, IA. As you can imagine this has been incredibly difficult for Sarah and her family. Please say a prayer to help them through this time.